My struggles with healthy living, weight loss and body image. Part 3.

So my doctor recommended I download an app called 'My Fitness Pal' in an effort to track my calories and to make sure I was in fact getting enough to sustain myself. Unfortunately though, this had the opposite effect.

Positive comments about how I looked had started my obsession with losing the pounds. I began using the app to obsessively track my caloric intake, going so far as to weigh out my salads and listing the calories in the app's daily tracker. 

I'd noticed I could earn back calories from physical exercise - the app has a built in pedometer which equates to calories the more steps you do. Over my lunch time supervisions I began pacing the playground, counting my steps over and over in my head. It began as an effort to keep warm and maybe have the occasional sweet treat with my extra calories, but I always felt so guilty for cheating the diet no matter how small the sin, I was still regularly under my rda or cals, clocking in at around 1500 instead of a minimum of about 2k. The counting of calories and steps became a coping mechanism. OCD is about control, and when you feel like you have none, your body and mind develop ways to cope. When I felt out of control I would count. Constantly. A cycle of numbers would always be going around in my head, and I began to rapidly decline into an emotional well. It would hurt my head to be so fixated on this. Combined with my lack of energy I felt worse than ever, but I still looked good which was (and still is unfortunately) important to me. 

Every weight loss felt like a victory. I'd also obsessively begun to weight myself every day, a habit I still struggle to get out of. I was exercising, walking home and doing a strict weights regime. If I missed this I would feel so guilty it would make me sick to my stomach. If I ate something unhealthy, I would loathe myself and the feelings of guilt would overpower me. I began to really dislike myself. Counting became worse, and my head became more crowded with negative thoughts, until one day in a particularly difficult ICT lesson I was delivering, I snapped, breaking down into tears and very quickly needing to find cover for my lesson. My school friends and colleagues were great, all comforting me and trying to help, but I just hated what was happening. My head was constantly in pain, I felt weak and tired and just couldn't cope. I went back to the doctors who prescribed a mild dose of Sertraline - an OCD combatant and anti-depressant, and signed me off work with anxiety. 

My struggles with healthy living, weight loss and body image. Part 2.

So I began dieting over a year ago now, when my then girlfriend began semi-following a weight watchers plan. I was 24 stone and it just made sense to try and make myself a healthier person. At this point I wasn't particularly concerned with how I looked and just wanted to improve my health. I began half counting points and cutting out foods like bread and white pasta and potato, replacing them with good healthy alternatives - whole wheat pasta, rivitas, brown rice and sweet potato became and continue to make up a large part of my meals. 

I stopped drinking beer and cider, opting for shorts with diet mixers when going out with friends, something which I still maintain. I'm definitely more of a spirit fan anyway. 

Unfortunately, my girlfriend and I stumbled upon rocky ground and split up, and I made the conscious decision to keep going with the healthy eating. The pounds began to drop off. I was eating  porridge in the mornings, weighing out a strict amount of pasta and tuna with veg for in the day, and mainly eating salad for my evening meal, with chicken more often than not. I was still enjoying life and treating myself very occasionally, but still steadily shedding the weight. 

I began back at work after the summer holidays in 2014 and received a spontaneous round of applause from the whole staff for my efforts - by this point is lost about 10 stone in a year. Over the six week gap I had dropped weight more quickly than previously, and this obviously showed when I was back at work. The compliments kept coming and I kept losing weight. 

Towards Christmas, my duties at school saw me supervising the children on the playground during lunch times. Whilst the weather did cool down, I found I was uncomfortably cold all of the time, more so than other people on duty. I decided to book a doctors appointment to make sure I wasn't anaemic or lacking something else that was bad for my circulation. 

I know now my doctor was only trying to help, but what happened next kind of began my decline into OCD and calory counting, eventually spiralling into depression. Whether rooted in my recent relationship upheaval or just a deep seeded general subconscious unhappiness with how I looked I'm not sure I'll ever know for definite, but I became immensely unhappy at myself, and my head was often full with negative thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, things began to get worse. 

#YesPlease by Amy Poehler

It's been a while since I've read something other than the i newspaper or a cheesy Star Wars novel, but upon seeing Amy's ridiculously bright book cover in Waterstones, then realising it was buy one get one half price (this is definitely important) I just couldn't resist. I'm a massive fan of Parks And Recreation and will endeavour to seek out more of Any's television and film work now I've read this semi-auto-biographical collection of humorous essays about her life, from how she broke into comedy and television, to her family life and raising of her two sons, covering much more in between. I don't like explaining too much about books when I do these mini reviews but just wanted to type up my impressions straight after finishing my read through. 

I didn't find the book laugh out loud funny as stated in some reviews I'd seen. It is funny, and I did chuckle occasionally, but more often than not it was making me smile rather lovingly, like sharing old stories with a really good friend that you've not seen for some time. That's how it feels reading this book - it's comforting, life affirming, witty and emotional and genuinely insightful. I wish I knew Any Poehler but Yes Please is definitely a good alternative. She comes across always intelligent yet never too much - and she's humble, something I consider important. She's obviously talented but she is always seemingly grateful at the opportunities she's been afforded through her life, and how events bad and good have shaped her. Her essays on her career in comedy are illuminating and interesting, and her almost self-help style life advice is genuinely, well, helpful. 

Anyone interested even remotely in Any Poehler's body of work will feel like they're catching up with an old friend when they read Yes Please. And if you're not, then it's a still a great read about an extremely talented and beautiful (but non symmetrical) actress, writer, director, producer and comedian; mother, sister, friend, hipster, stoner, drinker and authentically human funny person. 

Should you read Poehler's book? Yes Please. 

Living With An Eating Disorder - Part 1

I think in this modern age, the struggle with what we look like is a battle for more of us than society realises. There is an ever increasing responsibility and pressure put onto us to maintain whatever is fashionably deemed a healthy body image, and more focus in popular culture given to healthy lifestyle, food and diet and of course, looking good, than ever before. For some people, scientifically known as 'jammy gits', it's not an issue at all, and they instinctively know how to maintain a weight, size and lifestyle that's comfortable for them. For others, like myself, it's a constant worry. Whether too thin or too fat, I am just unable to maintain a comfortable physical existence without forever consciously being aware of how I live my life.

Okay, so crack the violins out I hear you cry. We all have to watch what we eat to make sure we don't balloon up or die of starvation. And I understand that there are more pressing things going on in the world at large - but, it's when these worries about body image, food and control becomes no longer a healthy consideration of lifestyle, but a routine and life dominating compulsion, that it becomes a problem, leading to ocd and issues regarding control, depression and anxiety and anorexia or overeating.

This is exactly what happened to me. At my heaviest I was 24 stone. I'm now weighing in at 11 and a half stone (or around there). My desire to lose weight and maintain a slimmer physique became a guilt inducing addiction. Skipping meals, calory counting, constantly worrying about every single thing that passed my lips; becoming increasingly irate with friends and family, frantically pacing around the streets in an effort to burn those few extra calories, eating identical and scrupulously measured meals day in and day out, feeling a real sense of guilt and self loathing for sneaking in an extra piece of fruit during the day... Sounds ridiculous, and whilst I knew in my own mind at the time what I was doing to myself and how illogical my attitude towards my diet was, I just couldn't shake these compulsions. Guilt at consuming anything I enjoyed caused me to feel physically sick moments later, and the incessant worrying meant I was always mentally as well as physically drained. I'm currently working my way back into full time employment after having some time off, and whilst things are definitely improving, I still constantly have a guilt and worry and consideration to all things meal time related. And it's exhausting.

Whilst that all sounds doom and gloom, I know for definite that things are improving. I feel healthier, look healthier, and have made a real effort to battle against some of the underlying causes of my ocd and eating issues. This is in no small part down to the amazing people at work and home that have helped me through these difficult times. My parents and family have really been there both financially, emotionally and by giving up many hours of their time to answer irrational phone calls when I've been feeling at my worst, or ferrying me to and from a multitude of varying appointments with GPs, psychologists and dieticians.

It is still a struggle, though not anywhere near as bad as it was at my worst. I'm learning, if not to be completely carefree and unbound from my new habbits, to work around my compulsions in such a way so that they're not longer dominating my existence. My weight seems to have levelled out now within my healthy recommended BMI range, and my mood has elevated from a time where most days were spent with a real sense of self loathing, failure and worthlessness throughout, to feeling positive about life more than half of the time.

This morning I had what felt like an especially helpful doctors appointment, where I talked to a doctor I hadn't seen before. It was refreshing to talk to a new face in person, and, whilst my previous doctors have done their utmost to be as helpful as possible, it just felt like this new doctor had more wisdom and insight into the issues I've been working against. We discussed my progress and how to continue in this upward direction, and the plan is to continue taking my current dose of anti-depressants, continue working through an online 'Cognitive Behavior Therapy' course set by Birmingham Healthy Minds, and keep seeing my psychologist, seeing how things are in about a month.

With my improved mood and new found direction, has come with it the inspiration to share my experiences via this blog. I hope it will ultimately help both myself and others to understand how someone as apparently happy and content as I was, can be affected by something as simple as the food they eat.

In the next few entries, I'll be detailing both my rise and fall in an effort to help myself understand what was going on in my head, and to maybe help other's that may be dealing with similar situations. If there's anything I've learned from my experiences, it's that everyone has their shit, and we shouldn't be afraid to share our experiences, or to ask for and offer help.

So first, the beginning...

http://abbott56.blogspot.com/2015/08/my-struggles-with-weight-loss-and.html

East Midlands Chilli, Artisan and Beer Festival

We only visited the East Midlands chilli, artisan and beer festival on the second day of the mini festival weekend. It very much felt like the second day - the weather was a little moist and the general crowd seemed to very much be recovering from the night's previous antics. But we'd attended the festival not for the music really, but for the chillies. And on that front I was not disappointed! 

There was a massive variety of stalls selling plants, sauces, chutneys, food, booze, nibbles etc, which was great for me. I invested in a large quantity of sauces, all of which were available for tasting before purchase. And though I didn't partake in any of the food on offer, there was a great variety for meat lovers - grilled meats, paella, chilli themed dishes, ice cream, but my veggie sister only found a vegetable pie to tempt her tastebuds. 

So, I got what I went for - a pleasant day out with the big sis, lots of chilli sauce and some chilli plants. It would've been nice to have more music on for the time we were there, maybe more smaller acoustic stages instead of one big music tent. I also think they could've made more of the craft element of the festival, as while chilli, food and plant stands were frequent, the few craft stalls that were there felt a little out of place. 

In all, I'd recommend this kind of event for any chilli lovers, but if you're after a bit of a party, make sure to go for the first day and maybe sleep over.

#StarWars - Darth Bane - Dynasty of Evil

This is the third book in the trilogy telling the story of Darth Bane, and is an appropriately epic conclusion to the Dark Lord's rise to power and tutelage of his apprentice, Darth Zannah, whom he discovers at the end of book two.
Drew Karpyshyn once again crafts several stories interwoven expertly, always maintaining my interest yet being accessible enough to put down and come back to a few weeks later. He makes not overly frequent reference to the stories that have come before in Darth Bane's history, and it always feels that he commands a great knowledge of the wider Star Wars universe and has a great love of it.
The conclusion is where this story for me really shines though, and the last few chapters are extremely fast paced, culminating in an epic fight scene with great description of the action throughout, from the prowess of the lightsaber sections to the intense terror of dark side sorcery.

As per usual I don't wish to spoil the story for anyone, but I thoroughly recommend this trilogy of Star Wars novels to anyone with an interest in Star Wars, particularly The Old Republic. Darth Bane is a character that, becomes steadily more evil throughout the 3 books, yet I never found myself not supporting him. We've come a long way together since the days of being a minor on Apatros.

I'm saddened that I've now finished all the novels before the movies are set, and am either rereading some or moving onto The Rise Of The Empire, though the story ends on something of a cliffhanger, so here's hoping some more titles as well written as these 3 come along to bridge the gap.

#HealthyLiiving & #Weightloss update (14 months)

Roughly a month since my last post I wanted to post about how things have been going. It's been a very hard month on the healthy eating front, but as of my latest weigh in I'm 13 stone dead, an 11 stone total loss since I started consciously trying to improve my lifestyle.

I'd been feeling a little weak from time to time, especially mid mornings at work, and I thought this was due to me being anaemic, being that for a long time my main food stuffs was indeed salad. I started taking a couple of extra vitamins, added a low cal protein mix to my porridge and decided to see a doctor to make sure it wasn't anything serious and to get some advice. 

I'd also been getting a bit down about things, for no real reason - life has been bloody good of late. Work is same old but it finally seems to be going places - love life is going really well with someone I really like and I'm still trying to be sociable when I can. I'm normally such a happy chappy, even when life doesn't want me to be, so I wanted to ask the quack about this also, and with all of the above he suggested a blood test and to come back and have another chat.

Well, bloods came back extremely positive, levels of good stuff normal, and levels of bad stuff low - including one of the lowest cholesterol levels the doc had ever seen (his words!). So that wasn't it.

Got to talking with the doc and he said that I was currently at an ideal weight and expressed a little concern for my eating attitude - I mentioned that straying even slightly from the diet was making me feel incredibly guilty, and generally quite down. I'm not particularly good about talking about this stuff, hence the blog, but he was very helpful.

To avoid developing a full blown disorder, doc recommended an app called My Fitness Pal which has been mentioned by some of you before, and doing some calorie counting as I was definitely eating under my recommended allowance of calories still every day. I had previously avoided calorie counting for fear of becoming obsessed, but seeing as that seemed to have happened anyway I thought I'd take his advice and downloaded it.

It is a brilliant way of tracking what you eat - I particularly love the barcode scanner which automatically shows you nutrients and content for most products - actually I'm yet to find one that doesn't work! I also recently cooked a meal out of The Hairy Dieter's cookbook (Turkey chilli with cauliflower rice) and was able to google the recipe, find a link online and for the app to find all of the ingredients for me, allowing me to accurately track everything instead of just calories! Brilliant feature. It also works with your iPhones pedometer adjusting calorie allowance accordingly.

So far I'm still having trouble meeting my ideal calorie intake, and still dislike any form of treat because of how it makes me feel guilty - but using the app seems to have made my diet at least more varied, which I feel is helping me feel better as a result. I'll keep tracking away and go back to see the doc in a week or so just to see what he says. 

I have found I eat mainly carbs and a lot of sugar, but most of this comes from the sheer volume of fruit and veg I eat, so I wasn't too concerned about this yet. I'm just glad I'm feeling better! 

I'll check in again after another week or so of logging in with MFP and another catch up with the doctor. Thanks for reading again, any thoughts or what have you, feel free to share ☺️

Normal breakfast these days - grapes and blueberries are hidden under bananas, chocolate protein porridge and a fat free yoghurt. 

Just to add I've recently done some more clothes shopping - now a 34" waist after being something like a 54" at my biggest. Win! 

#NewNintendo3DS First Impressions

I'm sorry to those that didn't and wanted one, but I was one of the lucky few to receive a Nintendo Ambassador promotional offer for an exclusive edition of the new Nintendo 3DS console. On the morning I received the email I shrugged it off, tweeting about no one having £180 spare just after christmas. By lunch time I'd ordered it, and by the following day it'd been dispatched. (I have no Nintendo self control). After some problems with the courier, I finally got to play with my new 3DS today and thought I'd share some of my first thoughts in a blog post, so as to stop gushing over the device in my twitter feed. 

The pack was £179 and comes with a limited edition boxed console, with a white charging cradle (but no AC adaptor) and 2 limited edition face plates, one an ambassador design and another a Smash Bros design. It also comes with a 4GB micro SD (easily upgradable by removing the lower face plate). Upon opening it it just felt very special - it was extremely well packaged and even the box felt of high quality. 





Transferring content over was a breeze and it now gives the option to send all content on the SD card via local transfer too (though depending on how much you play downloadable titles this will likely take a while. Best to keep swapping the charger over). 

In addition, whilst some folk are wanting to hold off for an XL version, I personally love the smaller size! The screens are bigger than the original 3DS screens and don't feel an awful lot smaller to me than my old XL. The machine is also much lighter, and I just think it makes sense to have a portable console that is actually portable. 

The unit itself feels much sturdier than my Zelda XL by comparison. The screen locks firmly in place when open and the buttons feel chunky, despite the smaller size and lightness. It looks good too, the SNES style buttons an ace inclusion for Nintendo nostalgia fans like myself. The face plates are easier to change than I suspected too, despite needing a small screwdriver to do so. And thank the video game god that they've seen fit to move some of the ports/buttons. The start and select buttons are now 2 small circles on the front of the machine, with a stylish circular home button replacing the old rectangular affair. The headphone jack has been moved (finally) to the middle of the console so the jack no longer gets in the way when you're playing with headphones. The volume control has also been moved to the top screen, the opposite side to the 3D slider, so it no longer gets knocked during play. The pointless wifi switch has been removed completely and the power button is now a small circle on the underside of the machine, sitting near to the newly located game card slot. All of these tweaks make for a much more pleasurable on-the-go gaming experience

Moreover, the quality of the screen is ace. It may possibly look like that to me because of the smaller size, but the 3D has also been reworked, making it less picky about where your head is. The effect is more eye popping more of the time. I found this to look especially effective in the Denpa Men 2 - battles look brilliant and so vibrant. I also approve of the auto-brightness addition. 

I've been playing Pokemon Y on it mainly today, which looks excellent on the device, but I still noticed some lag with the 3D switched on during battles with extra visual effects like floating leaves etc. I thought the increased performance of the new device would sort this but maybe it's just a quirk of the software. I look forward to playing some of the titles that will only work on this revised version of the 3DS hardware (role on Xenoblade!) to see what it can really do. 

The menu is much quicker, as is accessing network features - I haven't downloaded any eShop titles on the new device yet (there's nothing I fancy currently) but I'll edit when I have - I imagine they'll be an improvement on download time too. 

In all then, I'm impressed and feel it's money well spent for a collectible limited run console (well, the face plate is...) slightly ahead of schedule. I'll no doubt be persuaded to buy a new XL as well when the inevitable run of ltd consoles start coming through, but that's for another day and another credit card.